A Smile to Help the Shadows Drift Away
by lunylovegoodlover
Summary: "I want a baby," she says, whirling to face him. "I want this baby. I want a family, Sirius, more than anything on the planet, and I had managed to forget that because it's impossible and now –"


**A/N: Apparently this is what happens when I read angsty pregnancy fic. Title from "Who Loves You" by The Four Seasons**

He finds her sitting on the bathroom floor, clutching a small vial of potion in one hand and a thin plastic stick in the other. She looks shell-shocked, the way they usually do when they come home from a particularly grueling mission. He eases into the room carefully, making his presence known but trying not to disturb her.

"I didn't believe it," she says, still staring down at her hands. "Wizards have had this technology for ages longer than muggles have, but I still didn't believe it until I saw the muggle results."

"What's going on?" he asks, slipping onto the floor beside her. The vial looks vaguely familiar, but he can't place it. Was it one of Andromeda's hair products? But that wouldn't explain the stick.

She eases the vial and stick onto the floor and slumps against him. "Do you remember what you said when James and I first started dating?"

"I said a lot of things," he says, smiling.

"You said 'I call godfather of your first kid,'" she says, and he goes very still.

"You're not –" He stops when she nods and turns her face into his chest. His arms close around her automatically, and he tries desperately to think as she lets out a shuddering breath. "Merlin, Lily."

"It's not fair," she says after a moment. He lets out a humorless laugh.

"Nothing's fair, these days."

"I want a baby," she says, whirling to face him. There's a crazed look in her eyes that he's never seen before and that, more than anything, scares him. By this point, they're intimately acquainted with most brands of insanity and smart enough to know that surprises are rarely good. "I want _this_ baby. I want to go off my birth control and give him or her siblings in a couple of years. I want them to drive me and James insane and I want to make you and Remus and Peter godfathers. I want to come home to them at the end of the day and know that nothing bad will ever touch them. I want to tuck them in at night and tell them fairy tales where everyone always lives happily ever after. I want a _family_ , Sirius, more than anything on the planet, and I had managed to forget that because it's impossible and now –"

He reaches out and pulls her close again, hides his own tears in her hair as she shakes in his arms.

"We can find a way to make it work," he whispers. "You know the entire Order will be behind you in an instant if you decide to do this."

"I don't know if I can," she says, her voice wavering. "It hardly seems fair to bring someone into the world when it's such a mess. And pregnancy means no fighting, and there's so much to do-"

"Lily," he interrupts, pulling back so he can look at her properly. "Why are we fighting this war?"

She blinks at him. "Because Voldemort is evil and someone needs to stop him?"

"So that people can have babies," he says. "And families, and godchildren, and live happily ever after. What the hell is the point of the work we do if people can't have babies when they want them?"

She smiles then – not a full smile, not yet, but a slight curling of the lips that nonetheless warms him.

"We can reconfigure things," he says. "There's always organizing that needs to be done and missions that need to be planned. You don't have to stop working entirely if you don't want to."

"It wouldn't be the same," she says.

"No," he agrees. "You just have to decide if they're worth it."

"I'd die for him or her," she says and when he meets her eyes they're full of fear. "Right this instant, even if it wouldn't save them, I'd lay down my life without even thinking. How can I bring them into this hellhole? Even if I stop going on missions, James could die any day, Voldemort could still find us – nowhere's safe! How can I endanger my baby like that?"

"We'll fight for them," he says, smoothing a hand over her still-flat stomach. "You're not the only one who would lay down their life for this kid, all right? James will be there with you every step of the way and the rest of us will do everything in our power to keep you lot safe. You're not alone," he says, and it's the right thing to say because she crumples again, her arms coming around him as she buries her head in his chest.

"Talk to James," he says. "Whatever you decide, the rest of us will support you completely, you know that. But if I could offer my two cents…"

She snorts, but even that sounds half-hearted. "Like you've ever needed permission before."

"If you want this baby, have it," he says. "It can be that simple. We can make the rest of it work."

She's silent for a long moment and when she finally speaks, it's so quiet he almost misses it. "Thank you."

He smiles then, a real smile, the sort that's rare in these war-torn days. He's got one of his best friends safe and sound in his arms and maybe a godchild on the way. In that moment, he knows with a conviction that he's never felt before that everything is going to be okay. Or no, everything is going to be perfect. It has to be, because that baby – his godchild! – deserves nothing less.


End file.
